OK, so I finally get the right bra (Bali #3474 in size none-of-your-business) and now I'd like to own a top or two that doesn't make me look like I'm either preggers or a trussed up Virginia ham. My typical clothing shopping method goes like this: scan the sale rack for a color that doesn't make me flinch, feel the sleeve to see if it resembles a natural fabric, then, if passing those two tests, I pull it out and look for cut/size/silhouette/design and Embellishments. How many times have I pulled out a beautiful all-cotton top only to find someone had stamped it with poofy paint butterflies or bedazzled the bejesus out of it.
When you shop online, you often have a filter available to narrow down the search. Typically it includes size, color, sleeve length, casual etc....
My ideal clothing search would eliminate:
- Animal prints
- Camouflage prints
- Slimy synthetics that feel like dead snakes
- Unsettling color combinations. (I'm trying to be more open about my clothing color palette, but some stuff I've seen is downright disturbing. )
- Any ruffles between chin and hip (OK, make that: Any ruffles at all)
- Butterflies, hummingbirds, fairies, unicorns (I'm a grown woman, for cryin' out loud)
- Precious voile flowers
- Giant "gold" buttons
- Rhinestones, Sequins, Glitter, Fake Pearls
- Metallic and plastic thread (it itches)
- "Distressed" treatment to make new clothes look worn
- Intentional slashes (This REALLY creeps me out )
- Symbols from a culture not my own. Really, just stop with the Kokopelli, Kanji and Celtic crap. (Well, to be honest I can claim Scottish and Irish heritage, but that doesn't mean I want it emblazoned across my ample chest. That's a LOT of knotwork.)
- Any item that requires more than two steps to put on. If it requires instructions, I'm not going to wear it.