Saturday, January 19, 2013

Lady Business Rant of the Day: Embellishments

OK, so I finally get the right bra (Bali #3474 in size none-of-your-business) and now I'd like to own a top or two that doesn't make me look like I'm either preggers or a trussed up Virginia ham. My typical clothing shopping method goes like this: scan the sale rack for a color that doesn't make me flinch, feel the sleeve to see if it resembles a natural fabric, then, if passing those two tests, I pull it out and look for cut/size/silhouette/design and Embellishments. How many times have I pulled out a beautiful all-cotton top only to find someone had stamped it with poofy paint butterflies or bedazzled the bejesus out of it.

When you shop online, you often have a filter available to narrow down the search. Typically it includes size, color, sleeve length, casual etc....

My ideal clothing search would eliminate:
  1. Animal prints
  2. Camouflage prints
  3. Slimy synthetics that feel like dead snakes 
  4. Unsettling color combinations. (I'm trying to be more open about my clothing color palette, but some stuff I've seen is downright disturbing. )
  5. Any ruffles between chin and hip (OK, make that: Any ruffles at all)
  6. Butterflies, hummingbirds, fairies, unicorns (I'm a grown woman, for cryin' out loud)
  7. Precious voile flowers
  8. Giant "gold" buttons
  9. Rhinestones, Sequins, Glitter, Fake Pearls
  10. Metallic and plastic thread (it itches)
  11. "Distressed" treatment to make new clothes look worn
  12. Intentional slashes (This REALLY creeps me out )
  13. Symbols from a culture not my own. Really, just stop with the Kokopelli, Kanji and Celtic crap. (Well, to be honest I can claim Scottish and Irish heritage, but that doesn't mean I want it emblazoned across my ample chest. That's a LOT of knotwork.)
  14. Any item that requires more than two steps to put on. If it requires instructions, I'm not going to wear it.
I'm not judging what other people wear, honest. I feel most comfortable dressing in what could be accurately described as "pajamas" and really don't have a panty-hosed leg to stand on when it comes to discussing fashion. Having said all that, I'm off to see what surprises the thrift store has for me today.

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