Thursday, May 10, 2012

Interlude: Lessons in Perspective

True story: Yesterday I thought I had entered some new cancer hell when I felt like my pants suddenly fit really strangely; tight in the wrong places, pulling funny when I sat down. I poked at my my stomach trying to feel for giant tumors or shifting organs and surfed the interwebs for symptoms and signs of cancer emergencies. It took the better part of an hour before I realized I had just put my trousers on backwards.

I went in for my pre-admission screening and after updating the family medical history another century, the nurse-practitioner asks if I have any questions. I tell her about my obsession over the catheter and she also reassures me that it's no big deal.

"I had one when I had my hysterectomy in 1993," she tells me. "In fact I even went on a date wearing it. Of course I kept talking about it which pretty much guaranteed the relationship was going nowhere.  I will tell you that it's entertaining to empty the bag in a public restroom, because you do it facing the the toilet. Make a big deep throat-clearing noise and convince the person in the next stall that you're a transvestite."

Now I'm looking forward to crossing 'Pee Standing Up' off my Bucket List.

1 comment:

Mel said...

I guffawed. Love it! Let me know if you're up for visitors late next week.